<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>the silence in between (what i thought and what i said) by BUTtheresareason</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628276">the silence in between (what i thought and what i said)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BUTtheresareason/pseuds/BUTtheresareason'>BUTtheresareason</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adora is a sleepy little shit, Catra Needs A Hug, Character Study, F/F, Fluff, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Perfuma is a blessing, Post Season 5, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:27:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,648</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628276</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BUTtheresareason/pseuds/BUTtheresareason</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The war in Etheria is over and there's finally peace. For the first time in her life, Catra has no one to fight. Shadow Weaver is gone, the Horde is over and Horde Prime has been defeated. And now, well, now she has to deal with herself. Unlearning all of her trauma and healing seems like the hardest fight of her life. Hopefully Perfuma can help her out a little. </p><p>OR</p><p>Catra tries meditating with Perfuma.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora &amp; Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Mermista/Sea Hawk (She-ra) (mentioned), Netossa/Spinnerella (She-Ra) (mentioned), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra) (mentioned)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the silence in between (what i thought and what i said)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youresuchanidi0t/gifts">Youresuchanidi0t</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey y'all! This is a tiny character analysis for Catra's aftermath now that there's finally peace. I thought it would be interesting to delve into Catra's trauma now that there's no fighting to do (and esp now that SW is gone), so let me know what you think!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Catra woke up screaming, covered in sweat. Clutching the back of her neck, she didn’t exhale until she made sure the chip was gone and that it had, in fact, been a nightmare. She looked around, restless and a little disoriented, and found that Adora wasn’t in bed with her. Light was already seeping in through the flowy glittery curtains of their room, and she remembered that Adora had to attend an early meeting away from the castle that day, and had insisted she stayed and rest. Her body was stiff and sore. She worked her jaw back and forth, and stretched her body as far as she could, trying to loosen up the cramps that the nightmare had brought. </p><p>Three weeks had passed since Horde Prime had been stopped, but silence was just beginning to set in Etheria. The first couple of days had been a frenzy of meetings and endless diplomatic discussions as to how the restoration of the kingdoms would go, but now, well, everyone was mostly off doing their thing and the Best Friend Squad had agreed to “take a vacation” (as they had called it, whatever that meant) for a couple of weeks before leaving for space again. Adora and her had been inseparable ever since, but not even their company and the defeat of Prime could lift the weight of the war off of them, so nights had been rather restless in general (and mostly not in a good way).</p><p>Shaking the rest of her dreams off, Catra got up, got dressed, and left her room to wander around the castle. The halls and common rooms were mostly empty, save for some light traffic around the kitchen and the quiet conversations that wafted from behind closed doors. She smiled politely at the staff that crossed paths with her, trying to quiet the feeling of uneasiness in her stomach as she did. After three weeks, and word from both the Queen and She-Ra, most of the personell had taken to her and seemed to be genuinely nice to her, but some still showed their reluctance, despite always greeting her in good manner. Catra often wondered if she would ever be able to make up for everything she’d done. She hugged herself tight and walked faster, away from the more populated parts of the castle.</p><p>When she first got to Bright Moon, everything seemed the same to her: shiny and full of glitter. However, in a matter of days she quickly grasped the details that every Princess had put in to make their accommodations feel their own. Glimmer’s and Bow’s room was the most neutral, since it was their home, but it was next to hers and Adora’s, so it wasn’t much of a mystery to her. Mermista had exchanged the potted flowers at the door for a frame of shells (equally shiny and glittery, though, because –well, because Bright Moon was just like that, Catra guessed), and Sea Hawk had proudly hung a ship wheel on the door that he <em>swore</em> had not been set on fire. Needless to say, no one believed him.</p><p>Netossa and Spinnerella's door was engraved with a geometric pattern combining angles and spirals that represented them both. It was probably the more mature choice, but it still managed to feel intimate, and Catra wondered if she and Adora would ever grow to be like them. She really hoped so.</p><p>Frosta had <em>demanded</em> Scorpia shared rooms with her (although everyone knew that Scorpia wasn’t sleeping with her room buddy most nights), and their door was decorated with tiny crystals that Catra assumed Frosta had chosen for their resemblance to her icy kingdom, and then Scorpia had just pinned a couple of drawings of the whole gang to the door. Catra had rolled her eyes at first, but it always made her smile when she walked by.</p><p>She found herself standing still in front of Perfuma’s room. It was framed with thick colorful vines and flowers and always made her sneeze, which of course earned her a big belly-laughter and teasing from Adora (which was why Perfuma’s room was secretly her favorite). Catra felt her heart grow at the mere thought of her.</p><p>She twitched her ears and chewed on her bottom lip. In her aimless morning stroll, she had tried to empty her head of intrusive thoughts, with little success. She took a deep breath, and then sneezed, because of course she did, and silently cursed Perfuma’s powers. Then, like an invocation, she heard the Princess’ voice coming from inside, apparently greeting the trees good morning, and a memory reached her thoughts.</p><p>Looking sideways by force of habit, she squared her shoulders and knocked gently.</p><p>The response came shortly after, and she half-opened the door to peep inside. Perfuma was sitting with her legs crossed in the middle of the room with her back to the door, engaged in her morning meditation.</p><p>“Yes?” the Princess asked.</p><p>“Um,” Catra cleared her voice and tried again. “Hi, Perfuma. It’s me.”</p><p>Without really turning towards her, Perfuma said “I told Bow yesterday that I will arrange the dinner decorations when I’m done with my meditation routine.”</p><p>“What? Uh, no, I-,” she cleared her throat, “I wanted to ask a favor.”</p><p>Perfuma let out an exasperated breath and this time did turn to face her fully. “For the last time, I am <em>not</em> making catnip for you!”</p><p>“What!?”</p><p>“I already told Adora, and Glimmer, <em>and</em> Bow, <em>and</em> Mermista, <em>and even Swift Wind</em> that I wouldn’t do it!” Perfuma scowled at her and Catra had never been so lost in her life. She stared at the Princess, unblinking and speechless. Perfuma seemed to catch on and shook her head in confusion. “Wait, what? Isn’t that why you’re here?”</p><p>“What?” her voice caught. “No! I wanted- wait. <em>Can</em> you make catnip?”</p><p>“Focus, Catra!”</p><p>Catra straightened and nodded so sharply it almost made her dizzy. Perfuma was surprisingly scary when she wanted to. “Yes, ma’am. Yup. Totally. Sorry. Ahem.”</p><p>Perfuma softened her features and smiled at her, which Catra took as an invitation to join her beside her roll mat. She crouched and hugged her legs, rested her head on her knees and curling her tail around her ankles. The princess watched her in silence, and Catra knew she wouldn’t push her to speak. She tried to gather enough strength to say what she wanted, as she traced aimless circles on the floor beside her.</p><p>“Why do you meditate?”</p><p>Perfuma lifted her eyebrows in surprise, and she directed another soft smile at her. “Meditating helps me connect with the plants and the planet, and with myself. It helps me focus on my positive energy and get rid of the negative one.”</p><p>“That sounds… peaceful,” Catra whispered, timidly meeting Perfuma’s eyes.</p><p>Perfuma covered her forearm with her hand. “It is,” she said encouragingly. “Would you like to try?”</p><p>Catra felt panic rising through her chest and crawled back a couple of steps. “I-,” she stammered, “I don’t know, I- I-” Her eyes darted everywhere, looking for an exit. Perfuma didn’t want to meditate with her, she was useless, and cruel, and a bad friend, and was this a trap? Did she want to humiliate her when she proved she couldn’t meditate? This was definitely a trap.</p><p>“Catra,” Perfuma called. Catra fought the fogginess covering her eyesight and tried to focus on the voice calling her, but her defenses were up, unwavering. She stumbled to a standing position and started to retreat towards the door. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you, this is stupid. I’ll go. I’m gonna go”.</p><p>Just as she turned to face the door, Perfuma conjured a thick branch and blocked the exit. Anxiety started to ring in her eyes, and Catra darted towards the window.</p><p>“Catra, wait!” Perfuma called. She heard the vines retreat from the door and that managed to stop her in her tracks. She felt hot tears prickling in the corner of her eyes. “I’m sorry,” Perfuma said. “Don’t go.” She pleaded with her eyes, and slowly but surely her kindhearted energy reached Catra.</p><p>She crouched again, crawling herself towards the Princess by keeping close to the floor. She settled with a spot beside Perfuma, facing her sideways, and curled around herself again, hugging herself tighter.</p><p>“I,” Catra’s voice broke. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Yes. I’d like to try meditating. I… I want to get rid of the bad energy inside of me.” Perfuma made a red and yellow flower bloom at her feet. It reminded her of Adora, and she immediately felt a little better. “I don’t know how to make it stop,” Catra said, caressing the silk-like petals. “The nightmares, and the flashbacks.”</p><p>Perfuma gave her a sad smile, and Catra fought against everything inside her telling her to lash out at her for pitying her –she didn’t need anyone’s pity.</p><p>“Did… did Horde Prime hurt you?” A shiver traveled through Catra’s spine at the mention of the name. She dug her claws into her arms and nodded. “He… he tortured me. Made me see Adora dying, either at his hand or at mine, or… or he replayed my memories from when Shadow Weaver abused us in the Horde, or…” Tears started flowing freely down her face and she tried to comfort herself by rocking back and forth.</p><p>“That sounds awful,” Perfuma said, making another flower appear for her.</p><p>“Do you think I can make it stop? By meditating? You said that we could, uh… unblock my abandonment issues and my negativity?”</p><p>Perfuma chuckled and gripped her shoulders. “Yes!”</p><p>Catra let out a nervous laugh, which Perfuma took as an invitation to squeeze her into a hug. “Uhhh, I’m regretting this already.” (She wasn’t).</p><p>“Okay,” Perfuma chirped, clearly delighted to have a pupil, “we’re going to start with the basics. First, you need to learn to relax your body by focusing on it.”</p><p>Catra took a deep breath. She was terrified but determined. “Show me.”</p>
<hr/><p>Adora found her at around sundown, sitting on a tree branch in the West garden.</p><p>“Hey, Catra,” she said, climbing up to meet her. Catra stretched out a hand to help her up, and before Adora could say another word, kissed her soundly.</p><p>When they broke apart, Adora beamed at her with that goofy idiot grin of hers, her face red from the exchange. “Hey,” she said again, softly.</p><p>Catra chuckled and shook her head. “Hey, Adora.”</p><p>“I guess that was <em>not</em> because you like me?”</p><p>Catra rolled her eyes and shoved her. “You’re such an idiot.”</p><p>Adora laughed and Catra breathed it in like it was the air that coursed through her lungs. Smiles came easier now, so that’s what she did, reveling in the way Adora seemed to glow in the evening light. Or maybe, she thought, Adora glowed because she liked being with her.</p><p>“So…,” she said, smirking at Adora. “I had a very interesting chat with Perfuma this morning”.</p><p>“Oh yeah?” the blonde said, naively.</p><p>“Mm-hm. Something about half of Bright Moon trying to get me high on catnip?”</p><p>Adora’s eyes widened impossibly and blush rose to her ears. “<em>Itwasn’tmeIswearBowmademedoit</em>.”</p><p>Catra boomed with laughter and enjoyed just a little too much how embarrassed Adora was.</p><p>“Honestly, I don’t know what I expected,” she sneered, “associating myself with a bunch of Princesses.”</p><p>“I <em>swear</em> it was Bow’s idea.”</p><p>“Oh, and Glimmer’s, and Mermista’s, and- Swift Wind’s, really?”</p><p>“Ughhhhh…” Adora covered her face and Catra poked her on the side until they both ended up laughing. “I love you,” Catra whispered, as the laughter died down. Adora stared at her, blush coloring her cheeks, then smiled and sighed contently, leaning on Catra’s side like their bodies had been made as complementary parts of a whole. Catra could tell Adora was tired. They were all really tired.</p><p>The couple watched the light fade out into the night’s silence. Catra’s mind was quieter than it had been in weeks, but it still worked its way through various trails of thought. She was still scared. Perfuma had told her that in order to let go of her trauma, she would need to go back on it and untangle it by processing her emotions. She had no idea how she was supposed to do <em>that</em>, and her mind was screaming at her to just forget everything and run. But Perfuma had been clear. She wondered if resigning yourself to vulnerability was part of the process or if Perfuma was simply full of shit. She had to admit, though, that she had come out of the room feeling a little... <em>ligher</em>.</p><p>And she owed it to Adora, she thought. She owed it to her to heal and make amends and work through her anger.</p><p>“You owe it to yourself,” Adora mumbled.</p><p>Catra yelped. “What?” She looked down at Adora, who sleepily met her eyes, giving her a sad half-smile.</p><p>“You were thinking out loud,” she explained, straightening to meet her at eye level, rubbing at one eye. “All of that forgiveness. You owe it to yourself to be happy and find peace.”</p><p>Catra blushed and her eyes filled with tears.</p><p>“Do you really think so?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Adora said, hugging her arm and resting her head on the crook of her shoulder. Catra hugged her back so tightly she expected Adora to complain, but she didn’t. She felt an unruly tear falling down her cheek and breathed into blonde hair. “I love you,” she said.</p><p>“I love you too, Catra.”</p><p>They stayed like that for a while longer, as the night gained on them. Catra looked at the stars and wondered if they would be able to find peace in space, together. She had resisted to feel hope ever since Adora had left the Horde to become She-Ra, in what felt like a lifetime ago, but ever since they had confessed their love to each other, Catra had had no choice but to let it in. And so, with her newly found hopefulness, she smiled against Adora’s hair and dare to <em>hope</em> that, yes –they would find peace.</p><p>She started to drift off into her thoughts again when she felt Adora softly snore next to her. She smiled and gently shook her awake. “Come on, dummy,” she said, “let’s go to bed.”</p><p>Adora mumbled something unintelligible and Catra chuckled. “You’re such an idiot, Adora.”</p><p>“Yeah, I am.”</p><p>They made their way down and into the castle, and Catra felt a new wave of emotions wash over her. She was going to get better, for Adora and for herself.</p>
<hr/><p>Every day for the following weeks, Catra visited Perfuma right before sunrise, and meditated with her. Perfuma taught her to listen to her body and let go of her physical stress, and in that, she discovered that her heart felt a little lighter each day. She learned how to let go of her anger, to understand everything that Shadow Weaver had done to her and how she was responsible for her actions but not to blame for being abused. Perfuma told her she was enough, and maybe, just maybe, she was starting to believe her.</p><p>She started opening up to Adora again. They promised there would be no more lies between them, and that’s how she learned that her girlfriend was just as scared as her, had just as many nightmares. They talked about their trauma and began to make peace with the notion that they were children of war, and they faced together the challenge that meant having no more wars to fight. They could start over. Together.</p><p>By the time the Best Friend Squad left on their space mission five weeks later, Catra was far from completely healed. But as she stepped on the ship with Adora holding her hand, and waved goodbye to her newfound family, she just knew.</p><p>They were gonna win in the end.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>